Leah Gillen

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…” (Joel 2:25a KJV)

I’ve clung to this promise from the book of Joel in God’s Word for years and years and years. I clung to it when I was a young girl, and my world came crashing down around me. I clung to it in my early thirties when another tragedy struck our family. And…I’ve been clinging to it since May 4, 2011…the day my husband was found in the woods after taking his own life the day before.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. His Word never changes. His promises are true. But, if I’m being totally honest, I doubted that restoration would ever take place for me again. I felt that in losing my Chris, I also lost a huge piece of myself. How could I ever be restored when a piece of me was missing?

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

And yet…the promise continued to mimic me. Over and over, I would see those words in my mind, on paper, in devotions, and in conversations with friends. When asking God for a word that would be my “theme” for 2012 – a word that would dictate the work that He would be doing in my life – He gave me…RESTORATION.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

Back in late January, I began to see and feel glimpses of His restorative work taking place within me. Grief no longer seemed to overtake me. Yes, I still missed Chris. Yes, I still cried sometimes. But, it was no longer an all-consuming grief. This continued into February too. It was “sticking”. The miracle I had been praying for had arrived. I never asked God to take away my grief. I only asked Him to allow me to grieve so fully that when I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel that it would be so luminous, that there would be no doubting it was Him working in me.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

As God continued to restore me, He also continued to create new relationships for me. He allowed me to meet so many amazing new girlfriends through this tragic story that He’s asked me to share with the world, so to speak. Each of you has touched my heart in an precious way and has contributed to His restoration work within me.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

But a day came a couple months ago that I never expected to see again and honestly never thought I wanted. God introduced me to Joel. No…I’m not referring to the minor prophet of long ago from which the verse I’ve been quoting throughout this blog came from. I’m talking about a real man…named Joel. Yes – my own real Joel! Only God could orchestrate that.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

In short, I’m dating a man named Joel. God crossed our paths in only a way that He could do. I was looking for companionship, but God created something so much deeper. We tackled the “deal-breaker” questions almost from the very beginning when we realized this was heading into something more than just a friendship. At our ages, we didn’t want to risk more heartache and pain again in a relationship that would never work from the get-go. We intentionally went straight to the heart of those things most near and dear to us, and we both passed each other’s “test”. We continued to chat and get to know each other, and we found God doing something in each of us that simply couldn’t be explained in the realm of “normal”.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

When God restores…He restores fully and completely and usually differently than what we have planned. I expected to live life as a widow for a long, long time (if not forever), and I was content with that. I certainly didn’t mind having male friends, but I couldn’t fathom another broken heart. Not to mention, Chris hadn’t even been gone a year before I laid eyes on Joel for the first time.

This can’t be right Lord. What will people think? What will Chris’ family think? Will people still believe I’m called to women’s ministry – especially widows and single moms – if the day comes when my status changes to married?

Daughter, trust Me, and remember what I’ve told you…

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

I knew I had to trust Him. He’s carried me through so much pain and heartache in my 40 years, especially this last year. And so I did. As a result, a miracle ensued.

Joel and I fell in love rather quickly! Yes, I used the “L” word. Neither of us could believe how quickly it happened, but it did, and who were we to stop what God had obviously birthed?

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

From the very beginning, we’ve bathed our relationship in prayer. We’ve centered it on Christ Jesus and on God’s Word. We’ve allowed God to direct our steps no matter how “crazy” it may seem to the world. Some would think it not normal for a widow to fall in love with another man so quickly after losing one she loved so dearly, but God doesn’t work in what we call “normal”. God’s ways are not our ways. And, if you’ve learned anything about me by reading my blog posts – I pray you’ve learned that my goal is to be in the center of God’s will and to allow His plans to be my plans. It’s too painful any other way. As I submitted to this blossoming new love relationship between Joel and me, I knew God was bringing me to a new level of restoration.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

I haven’t shared about him on this website or any other social media format before now, because I wanted to be considerate of Chris’ family and talk with them first. They have given us their blessing and are so happy for us! I also wanted to share it with a couple other groups of people first – including my adoption agency consultant/friend. And to answer that question – YES, Joel is FULLY on board with adopting Holly! I’ll share more on that in a future post, but we’re full steam ahead in that area. And now I’m ready to share with the rest of you. I can’t help but introduce you to the man that has captured my heart, that loves me so fully, that is walking through this one-year anniversary of Chris’ death with me with such a sweet grace that it makes me love him all the more.

And now for some facts…

Joel is a divorced father of four: a daughter (22 – married with an 8-month-old daughter), a son in the Air Force (20), a son that’s 16, and another son (11). The youngest two live with their mom out of state. All four children have been homeschooled (and youngest two still are). He graduated from Liberty University. He works with cancer patients all day as a Radiation Therapist and has a heart for the Lord and a passion to serve Him that makes my heart burst with joy. He loves Anna, as if she were one of his own, and she is adjusting to this change in her life with simple grace and beauty. She never fully grieved Chris’ passing until Joel entered our lives. So, God has also done a restoration work in Anna too that has helped to heal her broken heart.

A few funny/interesting tidbits…we share the same wedding anniversary. YES – we were both married to our previous spouses on August 9th! How wild is that? And…he had surgery to repair a torn meniscus on his right knee the week before I had surgery to repair my left knee meniscus tear. No – we weren’t together when the accidents happened. Ha! So, he knows my pain all too well in that department. We’ve been teased a lot when going out in public, both being on crutches. Most think we’ve been in a car accident, and you should see my funny guy play on the sympathy we get from strangers. He makes me laugh! A lot.

“And I will restore to you the years that the locusts hath eaten…”

Friends…there is so much more to share, but I’ve already written so much already. I’ll let this BIG news sink in before flooding you with more information.

I just ask for your prayers, as we continue walking this new path laid before us, especially for protection from the snares of the enemy.

And now…introducing my prince, Joel…

It’s here…the week, the days I’ve been dreading since my nightmare first began a year ago. This week represents the one-year anniversary of the most tragic event I’ve ever endured…my husband’s suicide. While his death certificate reflects May 4th as his date of death (and for all intensive purposes that’s the one I observe “officially”), May 3rd is when Chris went Home to be with Jesus.

May 3^rd – the day my two-day nightmare began taking shape.

May 3^rd – a day I wanted to forget for so long. The day my husband went “missing” only to later be discovered dead – by his own hand – the very next day.

May 3^rd – the day I spent hours in a local police department answering questions no wife should ever have to endure about her husband.

May 3^rd – the night I drove all over town looking for his truck, for him…anywhere & everywhere.

May 3^rd – the last time I heard his voice…the last time he kissed me…the last time he told me he loved me.

May 3^rd – the day God began to shower me with His love by sending me droves of friends, loved ones, neighbors, and even strangers (from near and far) to comfort me and love on me in the days to come.

May 3^rd – a day I wanted to forget, but a day I choose to remember.

Why would I choose to remember such heartache and pain? Why do I want to remember those horrific hours all over again? Why do I want to experience even an ounce of that old pain anymore?

BECAUSE…God has been so good to me and has brought me so far, and it’s in choosing to remember that I see His healing hand on me, and His life-giving miracles so clearly!

So many have asked me…where am I now? What is God doing in my life? How is my grief work coming along? I’ll answer some of those questions today, but I have even more to share in tomorrow’s post, so be sure to stop back by for that update.

To really examine where I’m at now…I need to remember where I was a year ago (and in the months that soon followed)…

Last year: I was…broken, shattered, confused, scared, shocked, emotionally drained, not hopeless (but hope “reduced”), angry, overcome with sadness, overwhelmed, in lots of pain, lived minute-by-minute followed by hour-by-hour (that’s all I could handle at the time), felt very alone (even surrounded by so many), exhausted, reduced of energy, and so very hurt.

This year: I am…joy-filled, hope-filled, no longer angry, no longer consumed with sadness, emotionally sound, re-energized, full of courage, still exhausted (but not because of grief), more in love with God than ever before, living each day to the fullest, and in essence…my broken heart has been HEALED!

While I’ll never forget that horrific couple of days last year, I choose to remember, because it illuminates what God has done in my life since those days.

He gave me a gift in Chris. He gave me…

…a man that loved me – truly unconditionally

…a husband that loved me as Christ loved the church

…a friend that I could share everything with and not be judged by my opinions

…a step-dad for my Anna, and he loved her as if she had been his own flesh and blood

…the ability to experience true love again

…a supporter of the speaking, writing ministry God called me to

…a true treasure

I will be forever grateful for that gift. God is still giving me amazing gifts! I can’t wait to share more with you, however…this day is dedicated to remembering the “Chris Chapters” in my life that came to a close on May 3rd and 4th of last year. I would love for you to also stop by tomorrow when I’ll be sharing more about the new gift God has recently given me.

I’ve experienced His Reach.

I’ve experienced His Rescue.

I am experiencing His Restoration!

He reached down from heaven and rescued me; he drew me out of deep waters. (Psalm 18:16 NLT)

The "contraption" - my new companion

I was simply dancing to “Just Dance 3″ songs, as my daughter and I played with the Wii several months ago. I never felt a thing until the next morning when I stepped out of my bed and felt a pain I’d never experienced before. Hmmm…I must have pulled a muscle in my knee…or so I thought.

About a month ago, an MRI revealed that I had actually torn the medial meniscus in my left knee. Seriously? Just from a little competitive dancing with my teenager one night? Yep! To make matters worse, it would require surgery to fix it. I honestly couldn’t believe this was happening to me. The surgeon further shared that there were two possibilities for the type of surgery, one would require very little recovery – the other about six weeks in a leg brace, physical therapy, and lots of patience!

Last Wednesday was the day I learned the outcome. I had knee surgery. As it turned out, the meniscus root was completely detached, and I had to have a full repair…meaning extensive recovery. Six weeks in a metal brace, physical therapy, and did I mention…LOTS of patience!?! I was so discouraged to wake up and learn this news. I truly had prepared for the worst case scenario (or so I thought) but had expected the best. It just didn’t turn out the way I had hoped.

And yet…how often does life not follow the plans WE make?  This Friday marks the one year anniversary of my husband’s suicide. Another part of life that I never expected to experience! And yet, as I think back to what I experienced around this time last year, what’s a little meniscus tear in the grand scheme of things? It could be so much worse…

I have friends battling cancer.

Another woman is getting ready to say goodbye to her young husband due to a brain tumor.

I have dear friends still struggling to sell a home to be able to reunite a family that has been apart far too long.

Another friend has a prodigal child that is tearing her heart apart.

I have loved ones still in need of employment.

There are orphans all over this world crying out for a mommy and daddy. My little “Holly” is one of them.

The homeless will be sleeping in boxes, under bridges, in shelters, or wherever they can find again tonight.

Suicide will claim another in a few short minutes, and another family will be radically changed forever.

Another child is about to swept into the world of sex trafficking and forever deprived of his/her innocence.

A woman is about to be beaten…again…by her alcohol addicted husband.

A child was bullied once again for being overweight.

Their cries…their tears…even their silence…pierces my heart. I ache for ALL of them!

And so…even though my leg is swollen tonight after pushing myself a little too hard today…even thought I can’t walk completely normal at the moment…even though I have bruises all over my arms (from crutches) and legs (from surgery)…even though I have a six week “life interruption” right now…

I KNOW I am blessed! And…this little “setback” that I’m dealing with is NOTHING compared to what’s going on around me.

Abba, may all of those hurting right now feel Your presence deeply. May those who don’t yet know You be led to You through their pain. And may those of us not experiencing any pain or little pain in our lives be sympathetic to the agony of those that do. I love You Lord! In Jesus’ name I ask these things of You…Amen.

Hi there! If you stopped by after reading my guest post over at The Scenic Route, welcome! I’m so thankful you stopped by my little “electronic oasis” today.

As I near the anniversary of my husband’s suicide – just fifteen days away, I smile. Yes – you read that correctly…I smile.

No, I don’t smile at the memories of that horrific two days last year.

I don’t smile at the guttural cries I’ve shed over and over since learning of his shocking death.

I don’t smile at the number of lonely days I’ve experienced since he went Home to Jesus.

I don’t smile at the term “young widow”. I never dreamed that I’d join that “club” of women at the age of 39.

I don’t smile at the heartache my daughter experienced over losing her game-playing, fun-loving step-father.

I don’t smile at how life seemingly fell apart in an instant.

So…why DO I smile?

I smile, because God has been so faithful to heal my broken heart!

I smile, because God is using my story – the story He’s given me – to help bring comfort to other hurting women.

I smile, because God has faithfully carried me through every single day (the good, the bad, and the ugly) of this past year. He’s never left me…just as He’s promised.

I smile, because I see His fingerprints of love all over my life.

I smile, because He’s redeeming every single part of my life with a lovely new hope.

I smile, because the blessings He’s pouring out on me right now – just following the most tragic event of my life – are some of the most beautiful I’ve ever received!

I smile, because He’s God, and He loves me, and I couldn’t “do this life” apart from Him!

I thank you Father for returning the smile to my face! You are worthy of all my praise! I love you Lord!

I’ll never forget that phone call just before 8:00 am the morning of April 16, 1993. I was a 3 month newlywed. My husband had already gone to the TV studio to do work for his broadcast communications degree that he was finishing up that last semester in college. Getting ready to hop in the shower before heading out for work, I was surprised to hear the phone ring that early in the morning. Perhaps my husband had forgotten something and needed me to run it by the studio.

Not so. The voice on the other line was broken, barely audible. But, I still heard the words.

A family friend called to share, “Ryan died.”

I was confused. “What? What do you mean?”

The friend said through sobs, “Ryan died this morning.”

Still in shock, I needed more information, “What is going on? What happened? Where are Brett and Kandi?”

The call continued a few more minutes…enough for me to know that something had happened to the heart of our little 8-year-old nephew, Ryan, and he was now in Heaven. My husband’s brother, wife, and their 2 children (Brett, Kandi, Ryan, and Brandi) were very special people to us. We spent a lot of time with Ryan and Brandi, and to think that he was gone was something I couldn’t even conceive of at that moment. I knew we had to get to Durham, where they lived…immediately.

We drove up the next day. I didn’t know how I was going to handle this. I was a young twenty-something. I had faced death before, but the death of a child – that we dearly loved – was new to me. God had allowed Ryan and his little sister Brandi to be really involved in our lives, and they were absolutely precious to us. How would we be able to comfort Brett and Kandi and little Brandi now? We, too, were grieving.

We walked up their sidewalk, and the first person we ran into was Kandi’s mom, Beverley. We stopped and hugged and sobbed together. That’s all we could do…no words…just tears and hugs. That soon followed by seeing Brett and Kandi for the first time since receiving this devastating news. I’ll never forget the looks on their faces and they were so strong in those early days. Their strength obviously came from God Himself. Then…little Brandi. She was only four. So young…so confused…but so sad. She watched her brother die, and I know those images have been forever etched in her mind.

We later learned that Ryan died from complications due to Ehlers-Danlos Synodrome and suffered a large tear in his aorta. After walking through those early years of grief with Brett and Kandi, I never dreamed that they would be THE people that God had been preparing to walk alongside me so closely following Chris’ death last May. I have never forgotten the day Ryan went to be with Jesus. Even now…19 years later…his little 8-year-old face still pops into my head, as I remember April 16, 1993. He was the first person I thought of after hearing Chris went to Heaven. I’m sure they became fast friends and fishing buddies!

I miss you Ryan! You’ll never be forgotten little man!

Ryan's 3rd grade school pic - his last

Brett and Kandi - in Hawaii, 2011 - Ryan would be so proud of his mommy & daddy!